Never Let Smelly Turks Touch Your Materia
by Speedy Speck
Summary: Tifa, Reno and Yuffie go on a road trip...but when the Turk tries to steal one of Yuffie's materia things start going a bit crazy...One-Shot...Written for 'The Sacred and Profane'...R&R please! Pretty Please!


Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII does not belong to me...however much I may like it to. I own no characters, places etc. etc. so please don't sue me! I'm a nice person :)

Author's Note: This is my twenty-second fanfic...And it was requested by 'The Sacred and Profane'...Hope it's good! :) PLEASE review as I really enjoy reading your views and they inspire me to get better! It would make me very very happy! Anyway stop reading this and get on with reading the fic! Hope you enjoy! :D

''Tifa! Your boyfriend's being a jerk...'' The ninja shouted at the driver while the Turk opened his mouth in mock shock.

''Reno, stop teasing Yuffie!'' The bartender was busy trying to focus on the road signs.

''Yo! She started it!''

''I don't care who started it! Just both of you apologise and be quiet! I can't concentrate with you two bickering!'' She was really getting tired of the pair squabbling in the back of her car.

Tifa and Reno had planned to go on a nice, romantic trip together. That is until the little ninja 'decided' she was coming along too. And everyone knew once Yuffie had set her mind on something, nothing could be done to dissuade her.

The two both looked at each other with complete disdain before Reno leaned forward so his head was hovering next to Tifa's, ''Sorry darling...''

She sighed, ''That's ok...''

The Turk gave the young woman a gentle kiss on the cheek, before whispering in her ear ''I love you...''

Unfortunately for him, the ninja had heard, ''Awwww aren't you a softy! You're like a girl! I think I'll call you...Renee!''

''My God you're annoying! I'm not surprised you don't have a boyfriend! OW!'' The ninja had rather viscously slapped the red head's butt before pulling him back into his seat.

''That's for being a meanie! Why the hell do you date this moron Tifa?''

''Yo, I am not as moron! You're the moron...stupid ninja...''

''Smelly Turk...''

Reno and Yuffie carried on muttering insults to each other for a good five minutes before the ninja turned her attention to the view outside the car window. It was then that the red head noticed a small bulge in the young girls handbag. Materia.

_Go on Reno...take it...you know you want to...that little twerp..she's ruined your holiday...you were gunna propose for god's sake...and now because of her, you can't!...the least she owes you is some Materia..._

The red head shifted his eyes to the young ninja's face. She was still staring out the window...completely unaware. The Turk took his chance, his pale hand crawled slowly across the car seat and towards the bag. Yuffie had gone into a daydream and didn't notice the pale hand creeping into her bag until she heard a rather loud noise that could only be the sound of a zip.

''Reno! You ass hole! No!

''What's going on back there?''

''He's trying to steal my Materia!''

''Well it'll be my Materia soon! Ha!'' The Turks hands were so close to finally getting a hold of the small object.

_Almost...almost..._''Got it!''

''Ahhhhhhhhhh!'' All three of them screamed as the Materia let out a strange high-pitched screech before shattering and falling to the bottom of the car in pieces.

Silence.

''Yo...What kind of Materia was that? Reno's mouth was hanging open in shock.

''Well that's exactly it..I don't know, that's why I was trying to keep you from taking it!...Jackass...who knows what you could have done!'' The young girl began feeling herself as if checking for injury, ''Well I definitely feel ok...how about you butt face?

''I feel fine...how about you Tif?''

''I'm not so sure...''

They both turned their attention to the driver, and were rather shocked when they found not a young woman...but what looked like some kind of giant hair ball.

* * *

''Tifa...you look like big foot...'' Yuffie leaned forward to get a better look. She still had arms and legs, but her entire body seemed to be covered in dark brown hair.

''Thanks I had noticed...''

Reno just sat there, wide eyed and speechless, watching the ninja begin to plait some of the hair on Tifa's back.

''Erm Yuffie...'' The now very hairy Tifa was a little concerned.

''Yes fluffy?''

''Please tell me you can fix this?...''

''Hmm...let me think for a bit...'' And with that the ninja slumped back down on the seat and put on her 'thinking face'.

Reno finally decided to snap out of his stupor and leaned forward once again so his face was level with Tifa's. ''You've got a bit of a beard going on there...''

The young woman's eyes narrowed, ''Well at least I can grow one...unlike someone I know!''

The Turk quickly sat back down next to Yuffie, ''Any ideas yet?''

''Maybe, I-WOAH!''

''What?...Why are you looking at me like that...I haven't gone hairy too have I?'' Reno quickly began feeling himself for any extra fluff.

''No...but...your...'' All the ninja could do was point at the young man's hair in amazement.

Reno quickly turned to get a look in the mirror and let out an almighty scream, ''AHHHHHHHH! My hair...my beautiful...beautiful hair...'' He then proceeded to sob uncontrollably. The young man's once flame red hair had turned a rather shocking shade of pink.

''Chill Renee...'' The Turk darted a menacing gaze at the young girl before turning back to look in the mirror.

''I hate Materia...I HATE MATERIA...especially your Materia!''

''Shut up, I'm trying to think!...and there is nothing wrong with Materia...'' The ninja's voice sounded strange, somewhat... mature. As Reno turned back towards Yuffie he let old a low chuckle.

''What now monkey butt?'' The Turk just turned to his girlfriend and whispered ''I don't think we were the only ones to get effected.'' Tifa shifted her gaze to the rear view mirror and began to giggle.

''Erm Yuffie...you've...grown up.''

''What the hell are you-'' The ninja had gotten out a compact mirror from her bag and was now staring at her reflection with some degree of shock.

''Oh...my...Gawd...'' The once young ninja had seemingly put on about twenty years in age. ''Ergh...that is gross...Eh!'' Yuffie looked down at her now aged body, and at her protruding belly, ''I have got to stop eating so much ice-cream...hm at least they're still perky!'' The ninja was now cupping one of her boobs.

''They're not big enough not to be!'' Yuffie glared at the Turk in outrage. ''Now get on with finding a way to fix all this!''

''I am trying you pillock!'' Yuffie yanked the Turks hair before furrowing her brow in thought.

''Well hurry up saddle bags!''

''Let her think Reno!'' Tifa was started to get agitated, the hair was making her really quite warm.

The now middle aged Yuffie sat straight up, ''Ok, I think I may have a Materia that can stop all this, but it's in the back of the car in my suitcase...''

''But I can't stop driving Yuffie...we're on a motor way...''

She grinned, displaying a large number of wrinkles, ''That's ok, I can get in through the back seat!''

''Fine..but be care!'' Tifa didn't like the idea of someone climbing around in the boot of her car, but she was desperate.

''Yeah, yeah, yeah...'' The ninja had begun to pull down the middle seat to get access to her belongings.

The young woman suddenly felt a lot cooler, and as she looked down at her arms she found they were now hairless. ''Oh thank goodness... Hey guys! I'm not hairy any more!''

''AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'' both the Turk and the ninja had let out a piercing screech.

Tifa looked in the rear view mirror and both Reno and Yuffie seemed to be back to normal, Yuffie was back to her own age, and Reno's hair was once again a brilliant red. So why had they screamed? The two just seemed to be staring at each other.

''I'm...I'm you!'' Yuffie stammered as she looked at the young girl in front of her.

''And I'm you!'' Reno looked down at his now small, petite form.

''Oh this is horrible...''

''Yo! You should be honoured to be me!''

''Oh yeah cause being a smelly Turk was always my dream...''

Silence.

''Have you two...switched bodies?'' Tifa had been shifting her view from the road to the rear view mirror for the last few minutes, watching the two talk like crazy people.

''Bingo.''

''Got it in one there babe!''

''Oh dear...well just stop your squabbling and just hurry up and get that damn Materia!''

''Ok, I'm going, I'm going!'' The ninja, now in Reno's rather larger body had a harder time squeezing into the boot, and had to leave the legs dangling out.

Suddenly the car gave an almighty swerve, making Reno scream like the girl he now was.

''Ah-hyuck!'' Tifa made a weird snorting noise.

''Yo! What the hell was that-''

''Gawrsh! I'm sorry, just got a bit confused there! Ah-hyuck!''

Reno just raised his eyebrows, ''Oh...dear...lord...''

* * *

Tifa had now taken to acting like some sort of goof ball and had seemed to have in the process forgotten the basics of how to drive...

Reno poked Yuffie in the side, ''You might wanna hang on!''

''You got it...'' The ninja was now riffling through her case.

''Honey...why don't you try driving...on the other side of the road...hmm?''

''Ah-hyuck! Sure thing!'' She turned the wheel sharply, causing Reno to shift to the other side of the car and smash his head on the window. _Well she's gunna have a nice bump when we switch back... _When he opened his eyes again, he was no longer by the window, but in the boot.

Yuffie hugged herself, grinning widely. ''Yay! I'm me again!''

''Woah...it's dark in here!'' The legs sticking out of the boot waved comically.

Yuffie used all her strength to pull the Turk from the gap, ''You-'' She stopped when she saw one of her bra's hanging from his red hair. The ninja quickly whipped it away and launched herself back into the boot.

Noticing the car was no longer swerving erratically, the red head turned his attention back to his girlfriend. And he was met with quite a sight.

''Holy Shin-Ra...You're a doughnut!'' The Turk wasn't lying, Tifa had indeed turned into a giant pink pastry. ''Sweet!''

''It's not funny Reno...it's incredibly annoying...and very sticky...'' Tifa gave a sigh as she saw another car wobble slightly when passing her. _It's the other motorists I feel sorry for, imagine if you were just driving along and then you saw a giant pink doughnut driving a car...it would be very distracting... _Tifa was pulled from her thoughts by a weird sensation on her now iced arm.

''Are you...licking me?''

''Maybe...'' The Turk flashed her a cheeky grin.

''Reno!''

''Just wanted to see if you tasted as good as you look!''

''Just go see how Yuffie's doing!''

When the Turk turned around, the ninja was nowhere to be seen.

''Yuffie? Where are you?''

A small voice sounded from the the boot, ''I'm in here...''

When Reno stuck his head into the back to investigate, he found not Yuffie, but a small snail with a bright green shell, slowly sliding over some Materia.

''Yo...''

''Stop staring Turk boy and pick me up! Oh and the Materia!''

The red head rather gingerly picked up the slimy creature with one hand and the Materia with the other before returning to the back seat.

''Now fix this...please...'' Tifa's voice was pleeding, steering was really starting to become an issue.

The snail was distracted by the pink, iced dough ball in the driving seat. ''Woah, that's one big pastry!''

''Erm Yuffie back to the matter at hand...''

''Oh yeah, sorry, ok...'' The ninja in snail form looked back down at the Materia on which she perched.

In a matter of seconds the Materia gave incandescence glow, filling the whole vehicle with light.

* * *

''Did it work?'' Tifa was trying hard to concentrate on the road after the brief blindness that the light had created.

''Well you're not a pastry any more...though you still look very tasty...'' The red head leaned forward and gave his girlfriend a peck on the cheek before thumping back down. To his horror he heard a distinctive crushing sound come from beneath him.

''Oh god...Yuffie...'' He almost didn't dare get up in case he found snail Yuffie squashed on his trousers.

''I'm here you imbecile...'' Yuffie was in a crumpled ball on the floor in between Tifa and the back seat.

''So...what kinda Materia was that?'' _And what did I just sit on?_

''A none of your business Materia!'' The ninja jumped up onto her seat and began straightening out her clothes.

''Stupid ninja...''

''Smelly Turk...''

''Next time me and Tifa go away, we're leaving you behind...and your crappy Materia.''

The ninja gasped in shock at the red head who dared to call her Materia 'crappy'.

''Sacrilege!'' She jumped onto the Turk and began to bite his arm.

''Ahhh! Get the hell of me you crazy ninja!''

Tifa looked into her rear view mirror and sighed, ''Here we go again...''


End file.
